Dumped

I feel empty. I feel rejected. I feel alone. And I don't really know why. After all, I was hardly head-over-heels in love with P. So why do I feel so unhappy at being dumped by her?

I think part of it is down to its sudenness. I mean, only on Wednesday night I'd taken her out for dinner: good food, good company, no awkward silences and, okay, a £90 bill, but then I'd dropped her home, and she practically sucked off my tongue she was so eager to keep me in her mouth.

It was our first proper date. But we'd been out a bunch of times already: last Sunday she dragged me to an engagement party. She wanted to take things slow after our "something-but-nothing" from our initial encounter on Simchat Torah eve. "Let's get to know each other," she said. And that's what we'd done.

Today she came for lunch. I'd prepared everythign to perfection: the chicken was crisp; the potatoes golden; the filas moist. I noticed she seemed a little uncomfortable, uptight, even, at times (and I'm not referring to her using a knife and fork to eat a rugelach). But I was a gracious host, ensuring I didn't focus too much on old friends T and S, both of whom I'd professed my undying love to at various points in time, both of whom cause me to act like a 13-year old schoolboy with the giggles.

I think she perhaps felt intimidated by my friendship with them. Perhaps she found me too childish? Too keen.

Who knows? At least, I guess, it means I can look forward to L's return from South America without facing the dilemma of being unfaithful to P. Even so, now I have some time to think, and the effects of the wine I had for lunch has faded , I'd still prefer to be with P, than to be without.